Healing still…

ok I’m at work, yes ran into so and so at the coffee machine, and oh god it’s so obvious he likes me. Although now I ponder the question, do I wait for him to say something because I like guys that are forward. But then I think, the chase might be a little fun and lets be honest- my usual way of going about men clearly isn’t the best way so maybe I’ll try something different. I suppose dragging it out for a change makes it last longer, you know, the cute flirting stage. Where you always wanna make sure you look perfect all day in case he comes to your office or to talk to you lol. Why the fuck not, I’m due for some fun. Regardless of the outcome, at least it gives me a little pep in my step. keeps me on top of my game, ha ha. And while it all sounds so sweet, I do need to get fucked very soon so not sure just how much we’ll be flirting and “friendly”. It’s happening either way, the fucking part, that’s a given.

Here’s the thing i struggle with the most. Having someone else touch me , I immediately get tears in my eyes saying it, even just in my head. It just shouldn’t be this way! I feel like screaming it from the rooftop, as they always say in movies, don’t think anyone’s really on rooftops. But fuck yes…that’s the clencher in ALL of it! How do you give every ounce of your body, mind and soul to another human being and pledge in your heart to never be with another, only to be back in this position of being single again. I thought, or hoped, I’d die alongside that man. At one point he promised the same thing, to grow old together because we were “soulmates”. But apparently that plan has been put on hold.

Let me stop for one second, this song by Justin Timberlake is playing on my phone and although I’ve heard this song a million times this line just hit me a little differently. He said, “If your love was all I had in this life, then that would be enough until the end of time”. Right there, that is the difference between he and I. If we were broke, I would’ve still chosen to be together because I was solely in it for the love I felt, for this man. And trust me, even he’ll attest to that. I wasn’t gaining anything by being with him, i just genuinely purely loved this man and wanted it to be him and I til the end. That’s all I would’ve needed, him to love me and SHOW ME, like he did when we met. If we lost ALL family and just had each other, I would’ve been content with that. But he never thought any of it was enough, apparently I wasn’t enough either because in the end all he did was seek out excitement and attention from every woman that would talk to him. Except the one who sat next to him for 7 years. And trust me, I know it’s an actual problem he has mentally although you could never tell him that. His downfall is that he always feels like he might be missing out, or that he doesn’t want to give up the excitement of the chase. For some people like him, they don’t feel a purpose and they feel they’re never doing good enough. They don’t value love or understand the value in it when it’s actually nurtured and taken care of, and that’s something that is taught by example. Therefore, their whole life goes by right in front of them and then poof it’s too late you’ve missed it all. You never slowed down to appreciate and enjoy the simple things you have that can make you so happy if only you SEE them, and let them. It’s about little things, making memories and making your family feel loved and important. It’s not about working the hardest and making the most money, because that can all disappear one day and then you’re left with nothing. Well, nothing important anyway. I guess that’s one thing I was blessed with, I felt content with myself always. Like who I was and what I wanted. Content with my life and I never stressed about the future because I like to just see what happens. As I always say, I could be dead by then lol so I just wanna worry on the immediate future.

See if you spend your life running after the impossible fantasy and giving up the perfect real life story that was created for you, in the end you have nothing. You die alone, as depressing as it sounds. I suppose it could be because you were greedy and never appreciated what was offered to you, so you risked a wonderful life for nothing. You don’t think I missed the hot and horny version I got in the beginning? No it’s always the woman got boring and they lost interest. Has nothing to do with the simple fact we are no longer desired and given attention. Sorry guys you can hoot and holler all you want, that women are more complicated than that- but NOPE. We truly are not and if you men ever got your head out your ass long enough to actually pay attention to us, you’d have figured this out decades ago. Guess what, we grow older together and yes sex isn’t what it once was, but that love should still be there and it should remain the foundation. That bond and want to always be in the presence of this person, should remain.

I would always say to him; if your completely head over heels in love with someone, and feel a connection undefined by anything known in existence, , then you would be incapable of betrayal or inflicting pain on that person. That may sound corny or over the top, but that was our love no joke. Like the Notebook kind of love. We could be ourselves around each other, let our guards down, explore each other and experience pleasure with each other like we’ve never had with anyone else. And honestly, never will. Again, he’ll attest to that as well. So this is the thing when I try to explain to everyone WHY this is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and I don’t know that I’ll fully get over him. But do we ever fully get over someone? There has to be a part of us that always remembers and has this place inside them that’s always going to be reserved for those memories. Now of course not for the exes we hate that were total losers and we just fucked basically lol! He said to me in the end, “you’ll move on and find someone else and they will want to marry you and give you all the things you need, that I can’t”. I do whole heartedly believe that, that I probably will meet someone better for me and maybe I will be happier than before but you can’t tell me any of that now. I wanted to be happy with HIM! I used to shout back at him, I don’t want to marry just anyone and start a life with just anyone- it was suppose to be YOU.

Out of ALL that was done over those 7 years, and not saying it wasn’t partly me also, the betrayal has to be, the be all, end all worst part of the entire situation. Now I never caught him actually having sex, in fact he never went anywhere to have sex, but it was all online and through messaging that he cheated. And YES that is cheating! I stand on that! The WORST thing you can do to a person you once called your soulmate, is going behind they’re back and sharing personal intimate things with another human being. Break up if your losing interest or not happy!! I could’ve recovered from him just saying he didn’t want me anymore, or any other kind of “abuse” but that, no. That’s not something you recover from, it defies all humanity, to think someone of that magnitude in your life could betray you to that level. Someone you saw yourself with for the rest of your life, vowing to love and commit your life to them forever, cheating on you. I know I keep saying this, but something happens to you physically not just emotionally and mentally, that is an undescribable amount of ache or agony that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. That’s where the great idea comes in of “filling the hole”! If you started at the beginning with me you know. KISS KISS….

So of course I got off track, but I was going to say something about the whole idea of being with another man. Sure of course I can do it, in fact it’s going to become a necessity soon before I start humping furniture! Women have needs too and I’m still an attractive woman who can get attractive men so why the hell not, I’m not dead. I’m also not the one who gave up on this last relationship, I still want love and all the romantic sappy sexy shit that goes with it! So just because he’s fucked up and doesn’t wanna give it to me, I’ll look for someone that can. I just get mad in my head and wanna SCREAM, I shouldn’t have to be finding someone knew. Having someone new touch me, learn everything about me and what I like, when I had my person for all that. It sounds stupid when you write it out but I have been wanting to say that for a while so there, good for me, I let it out. Ladies I shall continue I’m sure later this evening…..