Sitting with the pain:

This is the first time I’m living through a break up without ANY distractions, and can I say it sucks. No friends around to vent to, drink with and just have fun so my mind doesn’t have time to think sad thoughts. No other man to take my mind off things which is a first lol. Not that I date really, it’s just I can usually find something immediately to feel better, shall we say. And yes I wouldn’t complain about getting laid right about now, but honestly the thought of another guy right now just feels wrong. Maybe not wrong, because I have every right to move on, but weird. Having to move on from someone you didn’t want to, is a different kind of hurt. It’s been almost 2 months and I have been feeling good, really I have, but then the past few days I’ve just started having those sinking thoughts, of how I’ll never kiss him again yada yada yada. This is a man who in all honesty destroyed my life, destroyed me, but I loved him like no other and it’s still not easy to accept the finality of it all. I gave 7 years to this relationship and if I wasn’t in such complete love with him for all those years I’d say fuck him, and move on no problem. But I was, and I foolishly hung on way too long expecting the impossible to happen, to change a man that didn’t want to change. So while yes I feel better physically and mentally because I’ve lost that sickening stressful feeling I lived with every day; I also feel actual pain in my chest every time the thought of him passes through my mind. I wanted this man to be by my side for the rest of my life, the connection and friendship was like nothing that’ll ever be duplicated for either one of us, but he just couldn’t love me enough to put me first and he kept choosing himself. All I know is I’ve been sitting here the entire day picturing in my head, his hands holding my face and him kissing me. His hands were the sexiest part of him, and I can remember how hot it made me when he held my face in them. We fell in love after our first kiss so when I tell you the meaning of our kisses and the feelings our kisses invoked, is beyond intense- I’m not exaggerating. So when that image pops into my head my first thought is, wow, I will never know the feeling of his lips again. That my friends is a stabbing, gut-wrenching pain I wish on no one. I hate to relate it to death but it’s that same fleeting feeling you get that catches you off guard, like hey it’s really final. You can only take your mind off it so much but mostly you have to sit with it, I’m learning this and it isn’t easy. Well anyway, there’s my first entry, my first “blog” lol. Its comforting to know I can get all this out of my head and sort of release it into the world, instead of holding onto it.

The healing part:

So I’ve made it past those last few difficult days, but I’ve actually found this strange comfort in laying in the bed at my moms, where I’m staying, and just getting a little high and zoning out with my thoughts. I’m sure she’s concerned because I’m literally up in the room all the time lol, but I’m not even sleeping like she assumes I’m sure, It’s like I’m literally just taking it all in. I’ve taken up “smoking” again and sure it’s made me lazy cause obviously laying in bed all day isn’t productive, but it’s also been bringing me this quiet peace I’m not used to feeling. Like even though these thoughts pass through my head of what was lost, I don’t get upset as in angry, I just let them pass through my mind. I’ll feel that intense pain in my chest during certain thoughts but it passes after a minute. I suppose it’s inevitable, no way around feeling that pain sometimes.

It’s like WHY though, if they were such an awful person and caused so much damage, would we still “mourn” them? And yes I love to use quotes, so adjust cause it’s not going to stop. Why are we even capable of loving someone that immensely that caused us pain time and time again? Just seems cruel that’s all. That I finally experienced a love I never knew existed but it wasn’t right for me apparently, it was a lesson, or whatever other crap they tell us so we feel better. I’m so tired of fucking lessons, ok! I gotta keep hearing the bullshit, well obviously he wasn’t the “one”. But when every fiber of your being wanted this person to be the one and they aren’t, when they’re the complete opposite, it destroys you on a level no human being can grasp unless they’ve felt it for themselves. It’s not even a “pain”, it’s an agony. It’s a hurt so deep inside, as if someone is sitting on your chest. As i compared it once before, it’s like death. You’re going along fine then something triggers a memory of them for a second, and it hits you right then; the permanence of it. The “doneness” so to say.

I’m a good person, really I am. When I love, I love hard. I want to be faithful, trustworthy, and a solid partner to the person I’m with, do for them and they do for me. So why is it I’m 47 and still haven’t had someone to be the same towards me and even more, in a relationship? Yea yea we could say I pick the bad guys, but maybe it’s that the guys aren’t being themselves and your tricked into thinking this is the perfect person for you! Yes that definitely sounds more on point. Ok blog 2 done, if this is even blogging, haven’t confirmed it yet. I promise starting with Blog 3 I will elaborate on my situation and why I am in this situation exactly. Thanks, kiss kiss.

The Healing Continues;

I guess we call it “healing”, it’s really just passing the time until you don’t get as sad as you once did. Still I lay in bed when I’m not working, and I didn’t mention before I’m staying in my old house with my mother, the house I grew up in. I’m in my sisters room technically, and she reminds me everyday it’s HER room, as if we’re 12. But the point is, maybe I feel this calm or peace being in a place I had such good memories. Maybe I feel safe, or taken care of again for the first time and it’s helping me to heal. No kids needing me every second, it’s just me and my thoughts. Me and my needs and my time to get better. If I didn’t have this time right now I honestly don’t think I’d be here. Maybe the whole thing sounds stupid and it’s just because I’m high that I feel good, personally I believe it’s a combination. Whatever it is I’ve felt a slow reawakening so to speak.

I digress, and move on to why I started typing in the first place. I’m laying here thinking again about how he wasn’t the “one”, number 2 I guess we’ll call him. And maybe he wasn’t but how do you believe that when I think of how that man was part of my soul, and now all it feels like is I’m not complete. I’m not my complete self: I’m laying here thinking how I knew every line, every curve of that man’s face. Sometimes he wouldn’t know but I’d stare at him for a second and think, god I’m still just as in love with that face as I was in the beginning. We were a part of each other, best friends, and no other human being has ever known every inch of my body like that man did. Or how to touch me exactly how I would want it., simply because we knew each other THAT WELL. And when I lay here alone realizing the depth of this loss, it just pains me when it’s dismissed as “he wasn’t the one anyway”. Cause fuck, right now it’s like half of me is missing. And maybe he was the one MOM but he’s just a dick?! Ever think of that!

I think about our hands fitting perfectly together, yes the hands again lol. How we both even admitted, our kissing was like top notch hotter than the actual sex lol. The vulnerability we shared, those feelings and connections we felt in the beginning weren’t fake. Those times couldn’t be faked, you weren’t there feeling them. So no matter how disgusting of a person he was in the end, that was 100% real. That’s the entire reason I hung on despite losing myself, because that time we had was like something only experienced in movies. The intensity of it I mean, that kind of love where you go crazy if you don’t see them for a whole day. Unfakeable! Don’t care if it’s not a word either, it’s MY new word! I think the hardest part in this, is thinking of that hand touching someone else. Or someone else kissing him, and wondering does he think of me during it. Yup that’s definitely the hardest part, but that’s the part you try to put out of your mind because it’s not what’s important. But FUCKING HARD!

But for the first time ever, I’m sitting through it. I’m barely looking at my phone, no tv, not getting drunk and basically not going out anywhere. Just letting the thoughts come and go and feeling them, because what other choice do I have. I don’t have ANY distractions this time. Now I’ll be honest, I already have my sights set on someone at work and SHUSH I don’t want opinions. Imma tell you why lol.

I’ve realized that losing someone like this, losing basically half of yourself, doesn’t mean you have to be alone and regrow that part of you. Everyone tells you that you must “heal” but what does that really mean? You can’t regrow that half you lost, it doesn’t work like that. So whether it’s wrong or not, I feel better filling in that gaping hole and I don’t care! I’m not stupid, I honestly just love love and like Sex and the City said, I believe in love no matter what. You know, the episode with Jennifer Hudson. Anyway, I don’t wanna lay around waiting to feel better from this missing piece of me when I’m not going to, because…… it’s MISSING! It’s not coming back but I still want to feel that happiness and love and excitement and passion so I’m being honest, and I’m filling the hole- no pun intended .

Yes have I been spending money on myself being frivolous,, yes. I know I have a shit ton of money to save in order to move out but these past few weeks putting some effort back into me has really helped me to begin this Third Act. I’m feeling pretty again after feeling so beaten down and hopeless, and I won’t apologize for getting caught up in this feeling. It’s been a long time since I felt noticed and pretty. And one thing I’ve learned is, if I don’t feel good about myself inside and out, then I’m not going to be any good to my family like I was. So this “Act” is all about getting me, but a better me, back so I can enjoy life with my kids again!

It’s not up for discussion really: I just wanted it out there. So yea, I wanna start filling my time with going out, flirting, trying again to find some happiness in this shitty world. I will not give up on love, no matter how many men keep shitting on it. I’ve come to realize, that’s on them and that’s their issue. Do I need a man to survive, no and I’ve proven that throughout my life. But do I want a man, yes! I’m not embarrassed to say that, I want to feel special and sexy and have that excitement of coming home to someone. Is it a distraction? Of course it is and so what I’ll be the first fucking woman to say it, I want a distraction so I don’t have to think about how much I miss him! . And if he turns out to be a great fucking guy or at least fucks me great for a while, then it’s a win for now in my book!So I’ll keep ya posted tomorrow after I return to work lol! And best believe I will be looking extra good!

Ok still not done;

Ok I’m sorry, I still just have a lot of thoughts. And well the whole point of this “blog” is that I’m letting out all the emotions and thoughts that come through my mind. You know instead of my usual way, where I just binge drink and sleep and waste away til something snaps me out of it. Yes blog is still getting quotes because I still haven’t quite learned if that’s what we’re doing here or not. I did have some good fleeting thoughts a moment ago but now I’m tryin to remember them. Stay tuned while I get back “in the zone”……

This wasn’t it but this just came to mind. Hold on damn it.

Oh yes, I felt like this would be called The Third Act because not only is this the “third part” but it’s like a third version of me as well. And I believe this Third Act is going to be ME, actually ME just coming out and being happy with myself and how I look, but taking pride again in how I look. Ladies this isn’t a sexist thing or whatever you wanna try and call it either, it’s simply stating that when you look your best (and I mean YOUR best) you feel your best. Don’t care what anyone says, I’m gonna use this Act to look and feel and experience whatever I want and that’s going to make me the best version there has been so far. AMEN!

I’ve read somewhere before, a woman wants a man that’s gonna allow her to be in her “soft era”. And that really had quotes I didn’t just throw those in there. But I realize this meaning, NOW, in my late freaking 40’s!! I’ve always had to be in charge of the bills, the kids, the house or work, whatever the fuck it was. Numbers 1 and 2 just got to shit on me and boss me around that nothing I did was ever enough and all I did was complain. Yea all the while, they turned into lazy fat asses who stopped putting in any romance or effort or fuck, even noticed if I was in the room! They wanted mothers that maybe they had to fuck here and there to keep them quiet.

Yes ladies that’s what’s out there, after all that mind blowing lovin, affection, attention and back breaking sex… that’s what’s left over once they get tired of all that work it takes to do that stuff for you. I’m sorry I had to break the news to you, but it’s ok we all go through it generation after generation, so apparently none of us are all that brilliant.

Ok back on track omg, I definitely don’t think this is blogging. But yes all I think about at this stage of my life is feeling soft and whatever other crap sounds romantic. I mean, having a guy just adore you and look at you “that way” and not to just get in your pants either. That’s why we all keep going through this I guess, because of the hope, that a relationship like this really exists! Where a woman can just be a woman in the relationship and have a guy actually show he loves her and wants her, and wants to just take care of her. Not financially, so everyone calm down. But make her feel taken care of, I guess sounds better. Whatever, women will understand.

Maybe my brilliant words of wisdom will get discovered writing this blog and I’ll become famous! WOW that would definitely make up for the incredible misery and pain a certain human being (#2) has caused me, I mean it’s so bad I started blogging for gods sake. (P.S. that still remains to be seen). Maybe at least someone can fix my little website so people can comment and we can have a little community chat going on! Ok night night!

Ok sorry IM NOT DONE. This is addictive, I can’t sleep, I get these profound thoughts flowing through my head and I just wanna write them down. Get them out! Ok in my mind they are profound but whatever, don’t judge. I get rambling then I lose my train of thought on some of these blogs, but it usually pops back into my mind at some point. Lucky you. My point earlier was, that you can say after a bad relationship, oh he must not have been the one or “god” wouldn’t have kept letting him hurt you. You know that dumb message, the world will send the same person back over and over to hurt you until you get the message. No Karen, maybe I’m just fucking stupid and you’re sending people that are good fucks so I’m getting distracted! Or; hello dumbass Karen, how about just telling us “hey morons get the hint he’s a scumbag and will never change so move on”! I mean our choices can’t be “bad boys” that are never gonna treat us well but treat us WELL, if you get my drift. Or boring office type guys that wanna hike on the weekends or have board game nights. NOOOO I will never choose board game night, I don’t care if the guy is loaded.; unless he’s willing to buy me a “Gardner”. Hey I warned you, can’t back out now.

I need passion, like you look at them from across the room and you just wanna kiss them. I wanna be able to have dirty jokes and be ourselves, but also wanna rip each others clothes off all the time. And yes it does exist! I see that now, after #2 my eyes were opened to the fact this does really exist. Only, the other person has to find all that just as important as you or they won’t put in the effort. That’s my fucking lesson, thanks world. I never did anything so horrific in life to deserve this pain I feel, no lesson is worth having your heart ripped out stomped on, put back in then RIPPED out again- repeat, repeat, repeat. Yea ok I get it, I should never write suspense novels. I’m sorry but yea, he was my “one” no matter what happened over the 7 years. He just couldn’t and most importantly, wouldn’t change even for me. For the relationship that he knew, was once in a lifetime. Another VERY important lesson. No amount of love and devotion in the world will make someone change their ways if they see nothing wrong with their ways AND they don’t want to change their ways. PERIOD. That was my real fucking lesson here. If someone is capable of being everything you need (ok almost everything) for the first few years, then it’s in them deep down am I right? So you just keep praying all this time you invested will pay off eventually because that person will emerge again someday, right? WRONG! Trust me, 7 years later that man I fell in love with is so far gone it’s like he’s buried at the bottom of the ocean with bricks tied to his ankles. And there’s not a single thing you can do but sit and watch this person, your world, light a match to everything you built, everything you knew, and just walk away. YOUR person who you couldn’t dream of living apart from for one day, changes and is a complete stranger to you. And all you can do is accept it for what it is and walk away, now that is one fucked up part of life.

Don’t tell me not to “heal” by finding someone new. If I don’t the gaping hole will consume me and literally swallow me whole. MOST important lesson I have learned and will gladly pass it on… NO ONE can tell you how YOU need to get over something or someone. How you should react to pain someone caused YOU! Nope, not allowed and that’s the one thing I stand on to this day. Not him, or his family or his friends, can speak for one second about how I should have handled what was done to ME in the moment it happened to ME. Go somewhere with that people.

So for the FINAL thought, I promise. If life isn’t going to be filled with those exhilarating moments, then I don’t want it. I guess it comes down to this: are we willing to risk living through this kind of pain in the hopes that JUST ONCE it’ll work out how we want?