The Healing Continues;
I guess we call it “healing”, it’s really just passing the time until you don’t get as sad as you once did. Still I lay in bed when I’m not working, and I didn’t mention before I’m staying in my old house with my mother, the house I grew up in. I’m in my sisters room technically, and she reminds me everyday it’s HER room, as if we’re 12. But the point is, maybe I feel this calm or peace being in a place I had such good memories. Maybe I feel safe, or taken care of again for the first time and it’s helping me to heal. No kids needing me every second, it’s just me and my thoughts. Me and my needs and my time to get better. If I didn’t have this time right now I honestly don’t think I’d be here. Maybe the whole thing sounds stupid and it’s just because I’m high that I feel good, personally I believe it’s a combination. Whatever it is I’ve felt a slow reawakening so to speak.
I digress, and move on to why I started typing in the first place. I’m laying here thinking again about how he wasn’t the “one”, number 2 I guess we’ll call him. And maybe he wasn’t but how do you believe that when I think of how that man was part of my soul, and now all it feels like is I’m not complete. I’m not my complete self: I’m laying here thinking how I knew every line, every curve of that man’s face. Sometimes he wouldn’t know but I’d stare at him for a second and think, god I’m still just as in love with that face as I was in the beginning. We were a part of each other, best friends, and no other human being has ever known every inch of my body like that man did. Or how to touch me exactly how I would want it., simply because we knew each other THAT WELL. And when I lay here alone realizing the depth of this loss, it just pains me when it’s dismissed as “he wasn’t the one anyway”. Cause fuck, right now it’s like half of me is missing. And maybe he was the one MOM but he’s just a dick?! Ever think of that!
I think about our hands fitting perfectly together, yes the hands again lol. How we both even admitted, our kissing was like top notch hotter than the actual sex lol. The vulnerability we shared, those feelings and connections we felt in the beginning weren’t fake. Those times couldn’t be faked, you weren’t there feeling them. So no matter how disgusting of a person he was in the end, that was 100% real. That’s the entire reason I hung on despite losing myself, because that time we had was like something only experienced in movies. The intensity of it I mean, that kind of love where you go crazy if you don’t see them for a whole day. Unfakeable! Don’t care if it’s not a word either, it’s MY new word! I think the hardest part in this, is thinking of that hand touching someone else. Or someone else kissing him, and wondering does he think of me during it. Yup that’s definitely the hardest part, but that’s the part you try to put out of your mind because it’s not what’s important. But FUCKING HARD!
But for the first time ever, I’m sitting through it. I’m barely looking at my phone, no tv, not getting drunk and basically not going out anywhere. Just letting the thoughts come and go and feeling them, because what other choice do I have. I don’t have ANY distractions this time. Now I’ll be honest, I already have my sights set on someone at work and SHUSH I don’t want opinions. Imma tell you why lol.
I’ve realized that losing someone like this, losing basically half of yourself, doesn’t mean you have to be alone and regrow that part of you. Everyone tells you that you must “heal” but what does that really mean? You can’t regrow that half you lost, it doesn’t work like that. So whether it’s wrong or not, I feel better filling in that gaping hole and I don’t care! I’m not stupid, I honestly just love love and like Sex and the City said, I believe in love no matter what. You know, the episode with Jennifer Hudson. Anyway, I don’t wanna lay around waiting to feel better from this missing piece of me when I’m not going to, because…… it’s MISSING! It’s not coming back but I still want to feel that happiness and love and excitement and passion so I’m being honest, and I’m filling the hole- no pun intended .
Yes have I been spending money on myself being frivolous,, yes. I know I have a shit ton of money to save in order to move out but these past few weeks putting some effort back into me has really helped me to begin this Third Act. I’m feeling pretty again after feeling so beaten down and hopeless, and I won’t apologize for getting caught up in this feeling. It’s been a long time since I felt noticed and pretty. And one thing I’ve learned is, if I don’t feel good about myself inside and out, then I’m not going to be any good to my family like I was. So this “Act” is all about getting me, but a better me, back so I can enjoy life with my kids again!
It’s not up for discussion really: I just wanted it out there. So yea, I wanna start filling my time with going out, flirting, trying again to find some happiness in this shitty world. I will not give up on love, no matter how many men keep shitting on it. I’ve come to realize, that’s on them and that’s their issue. Do I need a man to survive, no and I’ve proven that throughout my life. But do I want a man, yes! I’m not embarrassed to say that, I want to feel special and sexy and have that excitement of coming home to someone. Is it a distraction? Of course it is and so what I’ll be the first fucking woman to say it, I want a distraction so I don’t have to think about how much I miss him! . And if he turns out to be a great fucking guy or at least fucks me great for a while, then it’s a win for now in my book!So I’ll keep ya posted tomorrow after I return to work lol! And best believe I will be looking extra good!
