The healing part:
So I’ve made it past those last few difficult days, but I’ve actually found this strange comfort in laying in the bed at my moms, where I’m staying, and just getting a little high and zoning out with my thoughts. I’m sure she’s concerned because I’m literally up in the room all the time lol, but I’m not even sleeping like she assumes I’m sure, It’s like I’m literally just taking it all in. I’ve taken up “smoking” again and sure it’s made me lazy cause obviously laying in bed all day isn’t productive, but it’s also been bringing me this quiet peace I’m not used to feeling. Like even though these thoughts pass through my head of what was lost, I don’t get upset as in angry, I just let them pass through my mind. I’ll feel that intense pain in my chest during certain thoughts but it passes after a minute. I suppose it’s inevitable, no way around feeling that pain sometimes.
It’s like WHY though, if they were such an awful person and caused so much damage, would we still “mourn” them? And yes I love to use quotes, so adjust cause it’s not going to stop. Why are we even capable of loving someone that immensely that caused us pain time and time again? Just seems cruel that’s all. That I finally experienced a love I never knew existed but it wasn’t right for me apparently, it was a lesson, or whatever other crap they tell us so we feel better. I’m so tired of fucking lessons, ok! I gotta keep hearing the bullshit, well obviously he wasn’t the “one”. But when every fiber of your being wanted this person to be the one and they aren’t, when they’re the complete opposite, it destroys you on a level no human being can grasp unless they’ve felt it for themselves. It’s not even a “pain”, it’s an agony. It’s a hurt so deep inside, as if someone is sitting on your chest. As i compared it once before, it’s like death. You’re going along fine then something triggers a memory of them for a second, and it hits you right then; the permanence of it. The “doneness” so to say.
I’m a good person, really I am. When I love, I love hard. I want to be faithful, trustworthy, and a solid partner to the person I’m with, do for them and they do for me. So why is it I’m 47 and still haven’t had someone to be the same towards me and even more, in a relationship? Yea yea we could say I pick the bad guys, but maybe it’s that the guys aren’t being themselves and your tricked into thinking this is the perfect person for you! Yes that definitely sounds more on point. Ok blog 2 done, if this is even blogging, haven’t confirmed it yet. I promise starting with Blog 3 I will elaborate on my situation and why I am in this situation exactly. Thanks, kiss kiss.
