Sitting with the pain:
This is the first time I’m living through a break up without ANY distractions, and can I say it sucks. No friends around to vent to, drink with and just have fun so my mind doesn’t have time to think sad thoughts. No other man to take my mind off things which is a first lol. Not that I date really, it’s just I can usually find something immediately to feel better, shall we say. And yes I wouldn’t complain about getting laid right about now, but honestly the thought of another guy right now just feels wrong. Maybe not wrong, because I have every right to move on, but weird. Having to move on from someone you didn’t want to, is a different kind of hurt. It’s been almost 2 months and I have been feeling good, really I have, but then the past few days I’ve just started having those sinking thoughts, of how I’ll never kiss him again yada yada yada. This is a man who in all honesty destroyed my life, destroyed me, but I loved him like no other and it’s still not easy to accept the finality of it all. I gave 7 years to this relationship and if I wasn’t in such complete love with him for all those years I’d say fuck him, and move on no problem. But I was, and I foolishly hung on way too long expecting the impossible to happen, to change a man that didn’t want to change. So while yes I feel better physically and mentally because I’ve lost that sickening stressful feeling I lived with every day; I also feel actual pain in my chest every time the thought of him passes through my mind. I wanted this man to be by my side for the rest of my life, the connection and friendship was like nothing that’ll ever be duplicated for either one of us, but he just couldn’t love me enough to put me first and he kept choosing himself. All I know is I’ve been sitting here the entire day picturing in my head, his hands holding my face and him kissing me. His hands were the sexiest part of him, and I can remember how hot it made me when he held my face in them. We fell in love after our first kiss so when I tell you the meaning of our kisses and the feelings our kisses invoked, is beyond intense- I’m not exaggerating. So when that image pops into my head my first thought is, wow, I will never know the feeling of his lips again. That my friends is a stabbing, gut-wrenching pain I wish on no one. I hate to relate it to death but it’s that same fleeting feeling you get that catches you off guard, like hey it’s really final. You can only take your mind off it so much but mostly you have to sit with it, I’m learning this and it isn’t easy. Well anyway, there’s my first entry, my first “blog” lol. Its comforting to know I can get all this out of my head and sort of release it into the world, instead of holding onto it.
