Ok still not done;

Ok I’m sorry, I still just have a lot of thoughts. And well the whole point of this “blog” is that I’m letting out all the emotions and thoughts that come through my mind. You know instead of my usual way, where I just binge drink and sleep and waste away til something snaps me out of it. Yes blog is still getting quotes because I still haven’t quite learned if that’s what we’re doing here or not. I did have some good fleeting thoughts a moment ago but now I’m tryin to remember them. Stay tuned while I get back “in the zone”……

This wasn’t it but this just came to mind. Hold on damn it.

Oh yes, I felt like this would be called The Third Act because not only is this the “third part” but it’s like a third version of me as well. And I believe this Third Act is going to be ME, actually ME just coming out and being happy with myself and how I look, but taking pride again in how I look. Ladies this isn’t a sexist thing or whatever you wanna try and call it either, it’s simply stating that when you look your best (and I mean YOUR best) you feel your best. Don’t care what anyone says, I’m gonna use this Act to look and feel and experience whatever I want and that’s going to make me the best version there has been so far. AMEN!

I’ve read somewhere before, a woman wants a man that’s gonna allow her to be in her “soft era”. And that really had quotes I didn’t just throw those in there. But I realize this meaning, NOW, in my late freaking 40’s!! I’ve always had to be in charge of the bills, the kids, the house or work, whatever the fuck it was. Numbers 1 and 2 just got to shit on me and boss me around that nothing I did was ever enough and all I did was complain. Yea all the while, they turned into lazy fat asses who stopped putting in any romance or effort or fuck, even noticed if I was in the room! They wanted mothers that maybe they had to fuck here and there to keep them quiet.

Yes ladies that’s what’s out there, after all that mind blowing lovin, affection, attention and back breaking sex… that’s what’s left over once they get tired of all that work it takes to do that stuff for you. I’m sorry I had to break the news to you, but it’s ok we all go through it generation after generation, so apparently none of us are all that brilliant.

Ok back on track omg, I definitely don’t think this is blogging. But yes all I think about at this stage of my life is feeling soft and whatever other crap sounds romantic. I mean, having a guy just adore you and look at you “that way” and not to just get in your pants either. That’s why we all keep going through this I guess, because of the hope, that a relationship like this really exists! Where a woman can just be a woman in the relationship and have a guy actually show he loves her and wants her, and wants to just take care of her. Not financially, so everyone calm down. But make her feel taken care of, I guess sounds better. Whatever, women will understand.

Maybe my brilliant words of wisdom will get discovered writing this blog and I’ll become famous! WOW that would definitely make up for the incredible misery and pain a certain human being (#2) has caused me, I mean it’s so bad I started blogging for gods sake. (P.S. that still remains to be seen). Maybe at least someone can fix my little website so people can comment and we can have a little community chat going on! Ok night night!

Ok sorry IM NOT DONE. This is addictive, I can’t sleep, I get these profound thoughts flowing through my head and I just wanna write them down. Get them out! Ok in my mind they are profound but whatever, don’t judge. I get rambling then I lose my train of thought on some of these blogs, but it usually pops back into my mind at some point. Lucky you. My point earlier was, that you can say after a bad relationship, oh he must not have been the one or “god” wouldn’t have kept letting him hurt you. You know that dumb message, the world will send the same person back over and over to hurt you until you get the message. No Karen, maybe I’m just fucking stupid and you’re sending people that are good fucks so I’m getting distracted! Or; hello dumbass Karen, how about just telling us “hey morons get the hint he’s a scumbag and will never change so move on”! I mean our choices can’t be “bad boys” that are never gonna treat us well but treat us WELL, if you get my drift. Or boring office type guys that wanna hike on the weekends or have board game nights. NOOOO I will never choose board game night, I don’t care if the guy is loaded.; unless he’s willing to buy me a “Gardner”. Hey I warned you, can’t back out now.

I need passion, like you look at them from across the room and you just wanna kiss them. I wanna be able to have dirty jokes and be ourselves, but also wanna rip each others clothes off all the time. And yes it does exist! I see that now, after #2 my eyes were opened to the fact this does really exist. Only, the other person has to find all that just as important as you or they won’t put in the effort. That’s my fucking lesson, thanks world. I never did anything so horrific in life to deserve this pain I feel, no lesson is worth having your heart ripped out stomped on, put back in then RIPPED out again- repeat, repeat, repeat. Yea ok I get it, I should never write suspense novels. I’m sorry but yea, he was my “one” no matter what happened over the 7 years. He just couldn’t and most importantly, wouldn’t change even for me. For the relationship that he knew, was once in a lifetime. Another VERY important lesson. No amount of love and devotion in the world will make someone change their ways if they see nothing wrong with their ways AND they don’t want to change their ways. PERIOD. That was my real fucking lesson here. If someone is capable of being everything you need (ok almost everything) for the first few years, then it’s in them deep down am I right? So you just keep praying all this time you invested will pay off eventually because that person will emerge again someday, right? WRONG! Trust me, 7 years later that man I fell in love with is so far gone it’s like he’s buried at the bottom of the ocean with bricks tied to his ankles. And there’s not a single thing you can do but sit and watch this person, your world, light a match to everything you built, everything you knew, and just walk away. YOUR person who you couldn’t dream of living apart from for one day, changes and is a complete stranger to you. And all you can do is accept it for what it is and walk away, now that is one fucked up part of life.

Don’t tell me not to “heal” by finding someone new. If I don’t the gaping hole will consume me and literally swallow me whole. MOST important lesson I have learned and will gladly pass it on… NO ONE can tell you how YOU need to get over something or someone. How you should react to pain someone caused YOU! Nope, not allowed and that’s the one thing I stand on to this day. Not him, or his family or his friends, can speak for one second about how I should have handled what was done to ME in the moment it happened to ME. Go somewhere with that people.

So for the FINAL thought, I promise. If life isn’t going to be filled with those exhilarating moments, then I don’t want it. I guess it comes down to this: are we willing to risk living through this kind of pain in the hopes that JUST ONCE it’ll work out how we want?