Feeling stagnant;
So my “plan” for distracting myself with this cutie at work is on hold so to say, he has a girlfriend. Well she lives out of state but word is she’s moving up here soon to be with him. Now I don’t say the plan is over because who knows, you never know what the whole story is. There’s not one pic on Facebook of her, yes I Facebook stalk everyone obviously. And I have been looking good these days if I may toot my own horn, so maybe he knows now and he’ll be intrigued. I don’t want to hear all about going after someone else’s man either because A:) I’m not B:) no man can be taken from someone if he wants to be with her. I put my feelers out there and that’s the end of it, if he wants to ask me out so be it.
On another note, I’ve been back to thinking of #2 the last couple of days and A LOT. I mean it’s to be expected I know, but fuck it’s hard. On one hand I have such hatred for this man, and whenever I think about what was done it makes me sick to my stomach. I’ll even say to myself, he was nothing special, there are men much better looking than he was. I’ll tell myself; just remember the complete lack of affection, like not even touching in public whatsoever and focus on how bad that always made you feel. But as we all know it’s not that simple. You also have the history, the memories and little flashbacks of your favorite moments. And god do I remember every moment. Last night I laid in bed thinking of a few things from the very beginning, that were so over the top sweet and special that you’d think they happened in a movie. I smile at every one of those thoughts but at the same time it causes the most pain in my chest. That was the man I fell in love with, the man I thought was like no other, and everything I ever wanted. We had such good times together, but what’s hard to remember is that they didn’t outweigh the bad times. But fuck were those good times just the best in that moment! I ache for those moments with him, I think if I saw his face right now I would just break down in tears. We spent 7 years together! Yes it was broken up here and there but never for more than 2 months max, so that’s a lot of history to walk away from. ESPECIALLY when you never wanted to walk away from it, you just know you have to.
But think about it… you go from having this person in your life every day. You know them inside out and vice versa. You know what they eat, how they like their food cooked, it’s all just unwritten at this point. You talk every single day on his way home from work, and you’re as comfortable as best friends when he’s home at night relaxing in front of the tv. Now boom, you never see this person nor speak to them and you wont ever again. You have no idea what’s going on in their life, and vice versa. It’s just strange is all, it’s like your starting life over. Learning to walk again, talk again. Sounds silly but that’s honestly how I feel sometimes because all I know is being with him. Most of the time I’m ok, and I even admit to myself that I already feel better being without him. It wasn’t just him, but it’s what he was doing during an already extremely difficult time in my life. Now of course he swore to work on it, and maybe he thought he could, but no it never happened and I just kept being let down over and over and over. So I know he’s not a good person, trust me I remember EVERY bad detail of our relationship, yet still it’s so hard. Why when I know this man is so bad to the core of his soul, do I crave the simple feel of his lips against mine? The feel of his hands on my face as he kisses me, this is what I ache for every waking moment of my existence right now and I say WHY?! If I could wave a magic wand and erase him from my brain I would, and I wouldn’t even care that all the memories would be gone, because I wouldn’t be in pain. Something has gotta move forward soon though, I feel stuck right now. Like no better, no worse, no prospects and broke lol. Gotta run…
